Don't Ask

Last night I took a telephone survey.  This is a big deal for me because I have learned to (politely) cut people off mid-sentence with a "No, thank you" and hang up without even knowing what the survey is about.

I have a pretty jaded view of survey research, going back to my training in psychology.  Most of the time they aren't accurate, they are crazy-prone to self-report bias, and are poorly constructed, to be fair, because it's pretty much impossible to construct an accurate self-report inventory.

And most of the time when someone calls with a telephone survey, it's a business or politician and the survey part is a ruse or misrepresented.

Also, I hate telephone surveys for the same reason I hate people knocking on my door.  It's my home, so leave me alone.  You want my attention, write me a letter, and if I'm interested I'll know where to find you.

Which they did.  I received the letter a week or so ago, and threw it away.  And when the nice woman on the phone told me who I could contact if I had any questions I neglected to write down the phone number.  I think it's a DHEC survey but I might be wrong.  Obviously, I really didn't care all that much.

But it was legitimate, so I figured I would turn over a new leaf and cooperate when and if they called.

And I was honest.  Mostly.  I had no problem giving my age or my weight.  I know I'm obese, and I know I'm hovering over the cliff of old age, so it doesn't matter to me who knows.

I told two lies.  The first was about how much I drink, and the second was how often I wear a seat belt.  And I would like to tell you about both of those lies.

These days, whenever I see my doctor her assistant takes a ridiculous survey about the usual, how much I smoke (I don't) and how much I drink.  The answer to both of those questions is a resounding "none of your business" but I don't say that, because I'm assuming this data is being recorded for posterity and research and most important, for insurance company records, and they WILL use it against anyone who refuses to answer or answers honestly.  So I lie.  And so should you.  If you drink with any regularity, the alcohol nazis will use it against you someday.  Just as with smoking you will have to pay higher premiums, if you are allowed to get insurance at all.

The seat belt question was a surprise, but I recouped and, of the options given, I answered "most of the time."  Now this is ridiculous and I think pretty much an admission that I am lying.  One either wears a seat belt or doesn't, so if the folks who designed this questionnaire were really clever they would assume anything other than a yes or no is a lie.

I resent the fact that people can still carry on intense conversations on cell phones while driving -- which affects my own safety -- but there are laws that come into my own vehicle and require that I wear a seat belt.  And given my admitted obesity, the times I have tried to wear seat belts I have found them to be, shall we say, not made for my short and fat body.

So those were my two lies.

But there was one question in this really, really detailed survey that was missing and should not have been.  In a survey that asked about number of phones in the house and whether I knew my emergency evacuation route, this is the question that was left out:

HOW MANY GUNS ARE IN YOUR HOME?

You can ask about my weight, my alcohol, how often I eat leafy greens, and whether I have a cell phone as well as a land line, but don't dare ask whether I own a gun.

I guess it's safe to say that this survey leaves my cynicism about surveys intact.